-this quote:
"Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it."
-doing a video shoot at the science museum. I got to play a Tyra Banks like character for a short called America's Next Top Museum Presenter. I had so much make up on that I'm pretty sure I would have been confused for a drag queen if I went out in public. Although if I was spotted by a drag queen I'm pretty sure they would have told me that I was wearing too much makeup. And if drag queen tells you you're wearing too much make up, you're wearing too much make up. It was a really fun shoot though. It was good to see all the people working there too. Catch up a bit on the museum stuff I've been out of touch on.
-The cute boom operator guy on the shoot. He had a great smile, super kind eyes, and called me Darlin. The trifecta of crushableness! I was definitely in Swoon City USA. If only I got his name... Although I don't know what I would have done with it. Most probably I would have turned beet red and run away giggling like a 13 year old. #idontknowhowtotalktoboys. Anyway, he was an added bonus to the day for sure.
-the shoot being done early enough to let the dog out before group.
-group. It was an interesting group today. We were all there but one of our members said that she might be leaving the group soon because of insurance issues. We all went around the room and shared how we were feeling about that. It sucks that insurance is such a bag of dicks. It honestly shouldn't be. Anyway, we then talked a lot about boundaries. How ironic. Our counselors shared that they thought we were all being too nice to one another because we don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings. That's true. 100%. Sometimes people say things that had an impact on me, but I don't want to make them uncomfortable by saying anything. Boy oh boy does that reflect life. We talked about how in group it was okay to test those boundaries because it's a safe place. It sounds terrifying, but at the same time fantastic. I really want to keep working on boundaries and I think this will help to continue that process. I shared my boundary story for the week with the group. I also realized that a ton of this stuff stems from my mom. I just cannot tell my mom how I feel. I don't have good boundaries with her and she doesn't have good boundaries with me. I mean this might be a duh moment but for me while I was thinking about it in group it was a ah-ha moment. Overall it was a really good group. I'm glad everyone was there this time.
-hanging out with Maggie at the end of group for a bit. Just decompressing outside on a bench.
-Ruth texting to ask about hanging out. I really appreciate that. I know how busy she is and dealing with a lot right now so to take some time out and hang with me was great.* We caught up on our lives and such and ate some really delicious food. I'm so glad we're friends and that she trusts me enough to talk about how she's doing and what's going on in her life.
-Ruth paying for dinner. I was going to but she beat me to it. It was a really nice gesture, I say grumbling under my breath. :)
-being present. I'm present to the fact that I didn't step up to make a boundary tonight. I decided to just mention my little crush at dinner. I suppose one could call that a TRE. We got to talking about dating for a bit and both expressed how hard it was. Because it fucking is no matter what you're going through. However, I was hurt because she said that dating was 1000x harder for her than it was for me. I really wish I spoke up and said something. Nothing mean or defensive, just the fact I took issue with her saying dating was so much harder. She has no idea how hard it is for me. I'm present to the fact that she also doesn't know what I've been going though in terms of dating and guys and my past and all that jazz. I'm now present that I'm trying really hard not to blame myself for not being ready to talk about it yet. Just writing this all out right now is making me go into a bit of a shame spin. It's not bad. I mostly feel it in my throat. Its like a slight burning sensation. I also can tell my heart rate has sped up. I'm actually kind of glad I'm recognizing these things and able to breathe through them though. Anyway, I wish I had said something because I was hurt but I didn't because I was scared. However, I am gonna give myself props for at least recognizing that feeling and acknowledging it even if it was only to myself. Baby steps.
-laughter.
-the basics
-as always, my friends.
*I just had a thought: I shouldn't feel that she's doing me a big favor to hang out with me. If she really didn't want to, she wouldn't. Here's where the conflict lies though. She prefaced our hanging out with saying how tired she was and stressed about everything, but that she still wanted to hang. I then made myself extremely flexible and available to do whatever she wanted to do because I didn't want to make her life more difficult. Luckily I didn't really have anything going on, but even if I did I probably would have dropped everything because I want to be there for her like I do all my friends. Again, so I'm not an added burden or stress. I guess what I'm thinking is this: Is this the norm, or is this a once off occurrence? I don't know if I have the answer right now, which is totally okay. Just something I'm thinking about.
-doing a video shoot at the science museum. I got to play a Tyra Banks like character for a short called America's Next Top Museum Presenter. I had so much make up on that I'm pretty sure I would have been confused for a drag queen if I went out in public. Although if I was spotted by a drag queen I'm pretty sure they would have told me that I was wearing too much makeup. And if drag queen tells you you're wearing too much make up, you're wearing too much make up. It was a really fun shoot though. It was good to see all the people working there too. Catch up a bit on the museum stuff I've been out of touch on.
-The cute boom operator guy on the shoot. He had a great smile, super kind eyes, and called me Darlin. The trifecta of crushableness! I was definitely in Swoon City USA. If only I got his name... Although I don't know what I would have done with it. Most probably I would have turned beet red and run away giggling like a 13 year old. #idontknowhowtotalktoboys. Anyway, he was an added bonus to the day for sure.
-the shoot being done early enough to let the dog out before group.
-group. It was an interesting group today. We were all there but one of our members said that she might be leaving the group soon because of insurance issues. We all went around the room and shared how we were feeling about that. It sucks that insurance is such a bag of dicks. It honestly shouldn't be. Anyway, we then talked a lot about boundaries. How ironic. Our counselors shared that they thought we were all being too nice to one another because we don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings. That's true. 100%. Sometimes people say things that had an impact on me, but I don't want to make them uncomfortable by saying anything. Boy oh boy does that reflect life. We talked about how in group it was okay to test those boundaries because it's a safe place. It sounds terrifying, but at the same time fantastic. I really want to keep working on boundaries and I think this will help to continue that process. I shared my boundary story for the week with the group. I also realized that a ton of this stuff stems from my mom. I just cannot tell my mom how I feel. I don't have good boundaries with her and she doesn't have good boundaries with me. I mean this might be a duh moment but for me while I was thinking about it in group it was a ah-ha moment. Overall it was a really good group. I'm glad everyone was there this time.
-hanging out with Maggie at the end of group for a bit. Just decompressing outside on a bench.
-Ruth texting to ask about hanging out. I really appreciate that. I know how busy she is and dealing with a lot right now so to take some time out and hang with me was great.* We caught up on our lives and such and ate some really delicious food. I'm so glad we're friends and that she trusts me enough to talk about how she's doing and what's going on in her life.
-Ruth paying for dinner. I was going to but she beat me to it. It was a really nice gesture, I say grumbling under my breath. :)
-being present. I'm present to the fact that I didn't step up to make a boundary tonight. I decided to just mention my little crush at dinner. I suppose one could call that a TRE. We got to talking about dating for a bit and both expressed how hard it was. Because it fucking is no matter what you're going through. However, I was hurt because she said that dating was 1000x harder for her than it was for me. I really wish I spoke up and said something. Nothing mean or defensive, just the fact I took issue with her saying dating was so much harder. She has no idea how hard it is for me. I'm present to the fact that she also doesn't know what I've been going though in terms of dating and guys and my past and all that jazz. I'm now present that I'm trying really hard not to blame myself for not being ready to talk about it yet. Just writing this all out right now is making me go into a bit of a shame spin. It's not bad. I mostly feel it in my throat. Its like a slight burning sensation. I also can tell my heart rate has sped up. I'm actually kind of glad I'm recognizing these things and able to breathe through them though. Anyway, I wish I had said something because I was hurt but I didn't because I was scared. However, I am gonna give myself props for at least recognizing that feeling and acknowledging it even if it was only to myself. Baby steps.
-laughter.
-the basics
-as always, my friends.
*I just had a thought: I shouldn't feel that she's doing me a big favor to hang out with me. If she really didn't want to, she wouldn't. Here's where the conflict lies though. She prefaced our hanging out with saying how tired she was and stressed about everything, but that she still wanted to hang. I then made myself extremely flexible and available to do whatever she wanted to do because I didn't want to make her life more difficult. Luckily I didn't really have anything going on, but even if I did I probably would have dropped everything because I want to be there for her like I do all my friends. Again, so I'm not an added burden or stress. I guess what I'm thinking is this: Is this the norm, or is this a once off occurrence? I don't know if I have the answer right now, which is totally okay. Just something I'm thinking about.
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