Gratitude on the go! 7-16-13

Today I am grateful for:
-padre helping out with a project. Whenever I doubt myself he does a great job at helping me be sure of my ideas.
-Kinkos.
-my therapist. We did a lot of good stuff today. She made me really sit in the space. Take it in. Look around the room and just observe what's there. I needed that. It helped me feel really grounded. We talked a lot about boundaries today. I know I need help with that. Physically and emotionally. My personal boundaries have been broken and now it's time to start building them up and figuring out how to trust them. My therapist has already done a great job with that today. We're gonna keep working on it obviously but it was a good start. We talked about group yesterday and how I'm on the other side of those bad weeks and how good it feels to be here. I was stuck. My body was dealing fighting with two different actions that didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out and connect, but at the same time wanted to stay safe and protect. (Ha. Rhymed) Hence the stuck feeling. My therapist reminded me its her job to watch that and help me get/stay unstuck. To work on either connecting or protecting. Either way is okay. She also reassured me that she will never do anything I don't want to do.  She repeated it to me. She will never do anything I don't want to do. I felt relieved for a second when she said it, but then immediately tensed up because I don't believe it. I trust her and do believe her, but on a physical level I don't. She said that makes sense and its okay.* Anyway, it was a good session.
-The chan having a copier
-Michelle liking my idea for one of the scenes for camp.
-Two wonderful emails from Amy and Jaime. I will be writing back very soon.
-Zumba class with Kat. It was great to see her as always. The class was super fun too. Not has incredibly hot as last time. Still really hot, but not as bad. Also definitely still not a dancer fyi. I'm totally okay with it. I'm still workin it. :)
-The zumba instructor. She makes a lot of funny faces that make me smile
-laughter! I don't think I wrote that down yesterday but always, always laughter! Double laughter for missing yesterday.
-Sara B's album coming out today. It's different, but in a wonderful way. I love it. Surprise, surprise. Although if I ever get stuck again I don't know if I can listen to it. There are some pretty sad songs on there. They're amazing because she's such an expressive writer, but because of that I don't think they'll be good for me in those moments.
-my scars. I know the bane of my life. However, yesterday I thought of a semi good metaphor that makes me appreciate them a bit. For my whole adult life I've been trying to get rid of these scars. They hurt, they make me uncomfortable, and I don't like it when people see them. Now I have medicine for them which has helped them a lot. They don't hurt like they used to, they're not uncomfortable anymore and they're not really visible unless you're really looking for them. Yes its entirely possible they could keep getting better still. They might not even be visible some day. However I think they're always going to be there in some way or another. Just under the surface. They're not bad, they're not good, they're just a part of me. This is like my past. There are parts of my past that hurt, feel uncomfortable and I hated that people could find out about it. My past has left scars on me. However, I've been medicating them (e.i bringing them to light, therapy, talking about them to some) and that medication has caused my scars to not hurt so badly. My past will never go away, it's just there. It's a part of me. I'm integrating it into my life. Just like my scars. Boom.
-The basics
-ac
-as always, my friends

*I just had this thought and I wanted to jot it down. Another sign that I know I'm unstuck is the fact that I write a lot more. I give more details because I'm not ashamed to. I want to be able to look back on these days and see where I was.