Gratitude on the go! 7-31-13

Today I am grateful for:
-waking up naturally
-getting a call from NUTS. Matt, you're so aweome
-daring greatly and sharing my ghost story publicly on a blog.
-the power of connections through peoples blogs and words.
-meeting up with Maggie at the BLB for lunch, even though we both got breakfast. She caught me up on what happened in group on Monday. It was the first time we met up outside of group. I thought it might be weird, but it wasn't. There's something freeing that she knows what I have kept secret for so long.
-watching Ila and Lena today. It was a ton of fun, as always. We made some houses out of sticks, we colored, we napped, we played with legos, we watched the Magic School Bus, we snacked, and we played outside. A good full day. Ila asked if I was staying for dinner and I said I couldn't and she went, "aww..." Then I told Trista to let me know when she would like me to come back and watch them again and Ila's face lit up. I have so much love for those girls.
-Amy saying she's been doing surprisingly well this week.
-my adult class. This was the last week. They were so awesome. I loved teaching them. At the end of the class they went around and talked about what they learned and what they felt like the got out of this class. Marlon, one of the students, shared how this class has changed his life and how improv is now his new philosophy. I am so happy for him and I'm so glad that he has found improv. That is why improv is amazing. For people like Marlon.
-the Star Tribune streaming midnight weddings of same sex couples. It's officially legal in MN as of midnight. I LOVE YOU, MINNESOTA!

Almost the first officially married same sex couple in MN!
Although Luie doesn't seem to excited yet.  

Luie is still not impressed...

Once midnight hit and it became official,
Luie got into it.
First legal same sex couple! BOOM! 

And the second legal same sex couple.
And soon this will be the norm.
We're making history, people. We're making history. 

-the basics

-love and all its glory and power

-laughter

-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 7-30-13

Today I am grateful for:
-these quote:
"Things and conditions can give you pleasure but they cannot give you joy - joy arises from within."

"Letting go of the past means that can you enjoy the dream that is happening right now."
-waking up naturally before my alarm
-my therapist. We actually had to reschedule our appointment, but I'm in a good place right now where I wasn't upset about that.
-the VO work I have had the opportunity to do. I just found this VO I did for Medtronic.
-Augsburg Fortress
-public transportation
-podcasts
-figuring out my schedule for the next few days. This week kind of blew up but I was able to shuffle things around and make everything work.
-not feeling overwhelmed
-the email chain with Jen. It brings a smile to my face ever time I get an email. It's awesome.
-class with Kat. We talked afterward about how my mom contacted her. It sounded like a good productive talk, which gives me hope. Although, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'll talk to my therapist about it more later this week.
-drives with Padre
-chatting with both Amy and Jaime. Candid talks. I'm grateful for their openness.
-finally being able to catch up with Amanda. It's been Forever. It was really great. Lots of laughter. obviously, but also some serious talks. Good times is what I'm saying. Lots of stories.
-laughter
-the basics
-the stars out at night
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-29-13

Today I am grateful for:
-NUTS
-getting a new pillow. Extra firm and specifically for side sleepers. :)
-Target
-having lunch with padre.
-Amy reaching out and leaning in. I'm very honored that she trust me to talk about how she was doing.
-Brene Brown
-spending most of the day in bed. Yup. Those days are rare. I felt like a bum, but at the same time I can't recall spending a day like this in a long, long time. I watched a lot of Dexter and played a lot of Candy Crush. Can we say winning? I think so.
-Kat calling me on the phone. Always great to hear from her. She told me a story about Isabella and my mom. It wasn't the best story, but it did however make me feel a little better. The situation she described is something I've experienced time and time again. It was nice to know it wasn't just me, even though it wasn't so nice that it happened. (I'm feeling selfish saying that but I know that is not the case. I'm just going to breathe through that feeling. It's an example of mirroring maybe?)
-Industry night.
-not letting my mess up on stage really effect me. It was a bit of an out of body experience. I messed up one of the lyrics I was singing, I mean just fumbled all of the words around in my mouth. I kind of just stopped and said out loud, "Let me try that again." The audience laughed, which put me at ease. I sang it right and then said, "It was worth it, right?" The audience applauded. During the whole thing could I feel my body get red hot with embarrassment, particularly my chest and face. It was a strange out of body experience, but I stayed with it and got through it. I was definitely shaking afterward. Gettin my release on! Hellz yeah!
-fun improv set. Got to play Carmen Sandiego and a goose. One is my dream, one is my nightmare. Talk about versatile. ;)
-Seeing old familiar faces that I haven't seen in years and years and years at the show. It was surprisingly wonderful to see them. "I'm not a building, I'm a girl!"
-laughter
-my roommate replacing my peanut butter
-the basics
-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 7-28-13

Today I am grateful for:
-waking up naturally
-lunch with Kevin. Omg it was so much fun. We went to this tiny place in the basement of Macy's in Southdale. So random, but surprisingly delicious. We laughed so hard I made him do a spit take! Projectile water everywhere! success! It was so hilarious. It reminded me of the dining hall days in college when that would happen all the time. I will never forget that. It totally made my week.
-laughter
-Spending time by the lake with Sarah and Calvin.
-the weather being a great temperature.
-the incredible clouds in the sky. They almost looked like cartoon clouds. Plump and fluffy and went on and on and on. The sky was, for lack of a better word, really sky blue today, too.
-Free dinner from Sarah. Matt made red thai curry and it was really, really good!
-Michaels having the blank frames I like back in stock!
-seeing a movie with Lauren. 20 Feet From Stardom. Oh. My. God. I felt all the feelings. It was so incredible! All the women in it were so inspiring and sooooo talented. I was blown away. It just reinforced how amazing the power of music can be. It makes me want to sing more. I love singing.
-The woman we ran into after the movie who recognized us from the workshop. She was just the sweetest!
-DQ's dipped cones
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-27-13

Today I am grateful for:
-having a decent night sleep.
-my driving job. I've been doing it off and on for awhile now and I enjoy it. I'm able to read or watch netflix or take a nap. :)
-having the apartment to myself for the afternoon.
-a quiet day
-a quiet mind
-a sold out house
-bobby telling me that my dancing in the show was one of the best and most hilarious dances he's ever seen. It was a complement I take very highly
-laughter
-improv
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-26-13

Today I am grateful for:
-Sleeping soundly
-dreaming
-Getting an amazing email from Jen.
-Orange is the New Black. Such a great show!
-being able to watch Ila and Lena. They're both just the best. So cute and growing up so well. I love watching them and hearing all they have to say. They always make me smile and laugh.
-laughter
-a full house tonight at the show.
-This line happening about 40 seconds too early: "Can you believe this shit? TAJ!"
-late night uptown diner meal with Lauren.
-The basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-25-13

Today I am grateful for:

-this quote:

"There are no ordinary moments. There is always something going on."
-breakfast with Kasono. Every time I see him I get happy. He's such good people who push me to be a better person myself. He told me all about his life and how he's becoming a citizen next Thursday! We also talked about family and boys, which was really nice and very candid. I feel comfortable talking to him about those things. We planned to meet up again in two weeks because every time we get together its wonderful. I also really want to thank him for giving me complements. Sometimes its good to hear.
-finally being able to do laundry
-a nice walk to the farmers market downtown with Andy. I got a butt load of cherries and grapes and some homemade hummus all for $9. We also had good conversation
-seeing and touching a touch-me-not plant. I wish I had bought one. I think I will next week. I really think I will. I have such fond memories of my own touch-me-not plant back in the old days in my secret garden at the carriage house. It brought me a lot of joy.
-laughter
-late night car rides with padre. We got ice cream and talked about a lot of stuff. He's struggling because a friend of his was killed in a drunk driving accident. I'm glad he was able to talk to me about it. He also said that he didn't have a best friend. Or rather he thought that I was his best friend. I would like him to find a new best friend. I will always be there for him, but at the same time I'm also always going to be his kid. And I would so like to be that first. He talked about how he struggles to reach out and say what he wants and needs and how he's always been the adult and in charge. (Sound familiar?) I got kind of upset at him towards the end of the ride because he mentioned that its in his nature to help people when they're in danger. Now if someone in a wheelchair is tipped over on the side walk, no duh you help them out and if anyone just walks by you, they're a dick. My dad as always been the type of person to help out others like that. I do to. In a heartbeat. However, he also can't seem to stop himself from breaking up a fight. I definitely find that admirable and courageous, but I also find it stupid and selfish. He's not thinking about his safety and how it could affect others if he gets hurt. He said that he couldn't help it. That it's instinctual. But there's always a choice. I'm conflicted about it I guess. Because what he's doing is so selfless and nobel, but at the same time it feels like he doesn't put value on himself and that if other people don't help because of XYZ reasons, they're an asshole. In fight, flight, or freeze, I guess he's a fighter, but he shouldn't get mad that other people are helping by calling the police instead of maybe getting stabbed. A thought just popped into my mind. Maybe I'm really upset...because when I needed help when I was little I didn't get it from him. (Wow. Tears just leapt from my body when I wrote that out.) When I needed him, he wasn't there. That's huge. That is huge.
-the basics
-the ac in my room
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-24-13

Today I am grateful for:

-these quotes:

"You see what you are looking for."

"That's what friends are for. They help you to be more of who you are." 
-once again being able to relax, relax. I did a few errands around the house, but mostly I just chilled.
-awesome blogs. Particularly The Bloggess and Chookooloonks. I check them daily and they always bring me joy.
-having dinner with padre. True Thai and Franklin Freeze. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
-my Everyday 1 class. They're so great. So eager. We actually started working on scenes today. They did great. Some struggled because they just wouldn't allow themselves to connect to one another. Because connecting is hard. I get that. So I pushed them a bit. Some made some great breakthroughs and it was beautiful to watch. They ask a lot of questions, which I love.
-finally being back home in my own bed. House sitting was pretty great. Waaay better than I thought it would be, but it's also glorious to be back in my own bed. :)
-The basics
-Laughter
-As always, my friends. 

Gratitude on the go! 7-23-13

Today I am grateful for:
-My therapist. We did more body work/ boundary stuff. She asked me to sit on the floor and create a circle around myself with some red string to symbolize my personal boundary shield. We talked about my week and told her all the boundary stuff I've been dealing with and she was very encouraging about it. It was nice to process everything with her. Also she brought up TRE's literally right before I was going to talk about them. And she mentioned how this boundary stuff stems from my mom moments before I was about to. Vulcan Mind Meld. It's sometimes a bit shocking how she can do that. But it was also kind of awesome. I like it when sessions feel productive. They always are, but sometimes it's about just talking about stuff and not so much in the moment work. It was a really good balance today. Because I always want to be able to talk about what's been going on, but at the same time be able to do exercises to help with the things that I'm talking about. Today was exactly that. It was great.
-The line at the DMV not taking that long. I got the car title transfered over. Blue Ivy is officially mine!
-The Global Market. So many options. All of them amazing.
-The afternoon to myself. I was able to just sit and relax and actually relax. It felt great.
-Early evening movie with Andy. Girl Most Likely. It was a dark comedy, but I enjoyed myself. Kristin Wiig was great. As always. Did the thing she does and it was hilarious. The whole cast was pretty stellar.
-Chatting with Zarah on the phone. Use Somebody was on the radio and that's like our cue to call one another. Because it honestly shouldn't be on the radio anymore. It's almost four years old. So unless it's an oldies station, there's no reason for it...except to get us to call one another. Which I'm grateful for. It's kind of hilarious.
-SYTYCD
-The basics
-Laughter
-As always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-22-13

Today I am grateful for:

-this quote:

"Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it."
-doing a video shoot at the science museum. I got to play a Tyra Banks like character for a short called America's Next Top Museum Presenter. I had so much make up on that I'm pretty sure I would have been confused for a drag queen if I went out in public. Although if I was spotted by a drag queen I'm pretty sure they would have told me that I was wearing too much makeup. And if drag queen tells you you're wearing too much make up, you're wearing too much make up. It was a really fun shoot though. It was good to see all the people working there too. Catch up a bit on the museum stuff I've been out of touch on.
-The cute boom operator guy on the shoot. He had a great smile, super kind eyes, and called me Darlin. The trifecta of crushableness! I was definitely in Swoon City USA. If only I got his name... Although I don't know what I would have done with it. Most probably I would have turned beet red and run away giggling like a 13 year old. #idontknowhowtotalktoboys. Anyway, he was an added bonus to the day for sure.
-the shoot being done early enough to let the dog out before group.
-group. It was an interesting group today. We were all there but one of our members said that she might be leaving the group soon because of insurance issues. We all went around the room and shared how we were feeling about that. It sucks that insurance is such a bag of dicks. It honestly shouldn't be. Anyway, we then talked a lot about boundaries. How ironic. Our counselors shared that they thought we were all being too nice to one another because we don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings. That's true. 100%. Sometimes people say things that had an impact on me, but I don't want to make them uncomfortable by saying anything. Boy oh boy does that reflect life. We talked about how in group it was okay to test those boundaries because it's a safe place. It sounds terrifying, but at the same time fantastic. I really want to keep working on boundaries and I think this will help to continue that process. I shared my boundary story for the week with the group. I also realized that a ton of this stuff stems from my mom. I just cannot tell my mom how I feel. I don't have good boundaries with her and she doesn't have good boundaries with me. I mean this might be a duh moment but for me while I was thinking about it in group it was a ah-ha moment. Overall it was a really good group. I'm glad everyone was there this time.
-hanging out with Maggie at the end of group for a bit. Just decompressing outside on a bench.
-Ruth texting to ask about hanging out. I really appreciate that. I know how busy she is and dealing with a lot right now so to take some time out and hang with me was great.* We caught up on our lives and such and ate some really delicious food. I'm so glad we're friends and that she trusts me enough to talk about how she's doing and what's going on in her life.
-Ruth paying for dinner. I was going to but she beat me to it. It was a really nice gesture, I say grumbling under my breath. :)
-being present. I'm present to the fact that I didn't step up to make a boundary tonight. I decided to just mention my little crush at dinner. I suppose one could call that a TRE. We got to talking about dating for a bit and both expressed how hard it was. Because it fucking is no matter what you're going through. However, I was hurt because she said that dating was 1000x harder for her than it was for me. I really wish I spoke up and said something. Nothing mean or defensive, just the fact I took issue with her saying dating was so much harder. She has no idea how hard it is for me. I'm present to the fact that she also doesn't know what I've been going though in terms of dating and guys and my past and all that jazz. I'm now present that I'm trying really hard not to blame myself for not being ready to talk about it yet. Just writing this all out right now is making me go into a bit of a shame spin. It's not bad. I mostly feel it in my throat. Its like a slight burning sensation. I also can tell my heart rate has sped up. I'm actually kind of glad I'm recognizing these things and able to breathe through them though. Anyway, I wish I had said something because I was hurt but I didn't because I was scared. However, I am gonna give myself props for at least recognizing that feeling and acknowledging it even if it was only to myself. Baby steps.
-laughter.
-the basics
-as always, my friends.

*I just had a thought: I shouldn't feel that she's doing me a big favor to hang out with me. If she really didn't want to, she wouldn't. Here's where the conflict lies though. She prefaced our hanging out with saying how tired she was and stressed about everything, but that she still wanted to hang. I then made myself extremely flexible and available to do whatever she wanted to do because I didn't want to make her life more difficult. Luckily I didn't really have anything going on, but even if I did I probably would have dropped everything because I want to be there for her like I do all my friends. Again, so I'm not an added burden or stress. I guess what I'm thinking is this: Is this the norm, or is this a once off occurrence? I don't know if I have the answer right now, which is totally okay. Just something I'm thinking about. 

Gratitude on the go! 7-21-13

Today I am grateful for:
-sleeping in like crazy. Like almost to noon. Woops. I almost never do that.
-chatting with Bead. She seems to be doing much better.
-seeing Sarah and Calvin. I was able to actually hang out with her for awhile while Calvin played on his own. It's been quite a long time since that happened.
-getting a text from my friend who crossed my boundaries yesterday. I really appreciated that. I know how hard it is to do that. I also proud I didn't say that she shouldn't feel sorry. I just said no worries and thanks. TRE right there.
-Chatting with Litza on the phone
-Seeing a movie with Anna. The Conjuring. Again. It was much better this time because I knew what was coming and I could prepare myself and watch more.
-The basics
-laughter
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-20-13

Today I am grateful for:
-Sleeping soundly
-not letting my thoughts overwhelm me. I had the whole day all to myself. The whole day. It's extremely rare that ever happens. I actually tried to make plans for the day but to no avail. Perhaps that was for the best. I worked on some lines and watched tv and stuff. Otherwise I just relaxed. The whole day. Relaxing is surprisingly difficult, haha. I did my best. There were a few times where I could feel myself getting anxious/my thoughts getting the best of me. However I was able to keep myself in check and not panic. They're just thoughts. It might not seem like much, but it was a big deal at the time.
-seeing rays of sun peeking through the clouds.
-a great crowd for the show.
-a fun improv set. Goofy. Patient.
-Sommerfest at Dave's. We got there pretty late so there wasn't a ton of people (thank goodness) but the people that were there were fun and I was able to chat with a bunch of them and not feel too awkward.
-laughter
-boundaries. At the party someone definitely crossed some boundaries with me and even though I asked them to stop nicely a few times, they didn't. I then had to really firmly say stop. I did get super anxious but was able to quickly breathe through it. I felt bad though because I knew I was anxious and acting weird. People talked about it and pointed it out. Whatever. I made a boundary and it wasn't respected so I had to put my foot down. I'm very grateful I started boundary work with my therapist this week.
-My godson Keanu. It's his birthday today. He's 9. That's crazy. The last time I saw him he was 5. Wow. I can't believe it. I love him so much and I hope he has had an amazing day*

Look at him! Ah he's so amazing. 

-The basics
-melatonin
-as always, my friends

I've been thinking about my family a lot recently. I miss them so much. It's so conflicting. I want to see them and spend time with them so badly. I can't though. I'm here, they're there. I can't afford it, I don't have the time, etc etc etc. Eventually I have to figure that out. I don't want to not be in my families life.

Gratitude on the go! 7-19-13

Today I am grateful for:
-Last day of camp! The kids did well
-Michelle having be back all these summers. It was my first job out of college and it help me start my life back up here. I wouldn't have been able to afford my apartment at the time or really do anything. I'm so grateful.
-Traffic not being too terrible.
-the radio
-how green everything is right now
-a really fun crowd and show.
-Tom's birthday party! It was a surprise party and it worked out really really well. He looked really surprised!
-free food. #actorslife
-being able to socialize relatively well at the party
-complements
-The basics
-laughter
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-18-13

Today I am grateful for:
-sleeping a full night
-being able to copy stuff at Mixed Blood
-my students working hard and doing a great job on their scenes.
-ac
-left overs lasting me almost a week. And still being good!
-a quirky set. It was weird but I liked my characters. I played a cockney squire who was a small ball of a man. I minced a unruly gnome and got knighted in hopes be with the queen. Fun scene.
-seeing a late movie with Andy. The Conjuring. Terrifying. Awesome, but terrifying. Definitely gonna fall asleep to a movie. A happy go lucky funny movie.
-laughter
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-17-13

Today I am grateful for:
-A full night of sleep
-ac
-being able to take a moment today and ground myself before work.
-the campers really picking up the scenes we worked on.
-To see one of my campers smiling. Even if it was just for a second, even if it was just for a scene. So much pain in his eyes. It was good to see it lighten for a minute.
-this quote:
"Love is the feeling we have for those we care deeply about and hold in high regard. It can be light as the hug we give a friend or heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children. It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by difficulty, leavened by generosity, nourished by humor, and "loaded with promises and commitments" that we may or may not want or keep. The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of love." Amen to that. Amen to that. Working on it. Working on it.
-receiving this email:
"Hi Taj,

Amy and I decided that we need to visit you in MPLS. The weekend of the 28-29th of September works for both of us, and ticket prices are totz doable. Wanna do a TajJaime Fall Birthday Bash? Lucky 27?! Want to come, okay?!

Xoxoxo!

Amy&Jaime"

Um...OMG OMG OMG! I felt all the feelings all at once. I felt excited and happy and overwhelmed and doubtful and elated and surprised and loved. Ironically, I just sent a text to Amy about a minute after they had sent that email without me knowing. Outstanding. So outstanding. If this is real life, I'm in shock. I actually cried for about 30 seconds. I couldn't stop myself. I was just so happy. I love my friends and in that moment of reading that email I really felt that love. And obviously I responded yes immediately 

-literally seeing rays of sunshine 

-teaching adults. I love my class so much. 

-getting to see Jen! 

-getting ice cream with padre and Jen! It was so nice.

-laughter

-the basics

-melatonin 

-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 7-16-13

Today I am grateful for:
-padre helping out with a project. Whenever I doubt myself he does a great job at helping me be sure of my ideas.
-Kinkos.
-my therapist. We did a lot of good stuff today. She made me really sit in the space. Take it in. Look around the room and just observe what's there. I needed that. It helped me feel really grounded. We talked a lot about boundaries today. I know I need help with that. Physically and emotionally. My personal boundaries have been broken and now it's time to start building them up and figuring out how to trust them. My therapist has already done a great job with that today. We're gonna keep working on it obviously but it was a good start. We talked about group yesterday and how I'm on the other side of those bad weeks and how good it feels to be here. I was stuck. My body was dealing fighting with two different actions that didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out and connect, but at the same time wanted to stay safe and protect. (Ha. Rhymed) Hence the stuck feeling. My therapist reminded me its her job to watch that and help me get/stay unstuck. To work on either connecting or protecting. Either way is okay. She also reassured me that she will never do anything I don't want to do.  She repeated it to me. She will never do anything I don't want to do. I felt relieved for a second when she said it, but then immediately tensed up because I don't believe it. I trust her and do believe her, but on a physical level I don't. She said that makes sense and its okay.* Anyway, it was a good session.
-The chan having a copier
-Michelle liking my idea for one of the scenes for camp.
-Two wonderful emails from Amy and Jaime. I will be writing back very soon.
-Zumba class with Kat. It was great to see her as always. The class was super fun too. Not has incredibly hot as last time. Still really hot, but not as bad. Also definitely still not a dancer fyi. I'm totally okay with it. I'm still workin it. :)
-The zumba instructor. She makes a lot of funny faces that make me smile
-laughter! I don't think I wrote that down yesterday but always, always laughter! Double laughter for missing yesterday.
-Sara B's album coming out today. It's different, but in a wonderful way. I love it. Surprise, surprise. Although if I ever get stuck again I don't know if I can listen to it. There are some pretty sad songs on there. They're amazing because she's such an expressive writer, but because of that I don't think they'll be good for me in those moments.
-my scars. I know the bane of my life. However, yesterday I thought of a semi good metaphor that makes me appreciate them a bit. For my whole adult life I've been trying to get rid of these scars. They hurt, they make me uncomfortable, and I don't like it when people see them. Now I have medicine for them which has helped them a lot. They don't hurt like they used to, they're not uncomfortable anymore and they're not really visible unless you're really looking for them. Yes its entirely possible they could keep getting better still. They might not even be visible some day. However I think they're always going to be there in some way or another. Just under the surface. They're not bad, they're not good, they're just a part of me. This is like my past. There are parts of my past that hurt, feel uncomfortable and I hated that people could find out about it. My past has left scars on me. However, I've been medicating them (e.i bringing them to light, therapy, talking about them to some) and that medication has caused my scars to not hurt so badly. My past will never go away, it's just there. It's a part of me. I'm integrating it into my life. Just like my scars. Boom.
-The basics
-ac
-as always, my friends

*I just had this thought and I wanted to jot it down. Another sign that I know I'm unstuck is the fact that I write a lot more. I give more details because I'm not ashamed to. I want to be able to look back on these days and see where I was.

Gratitude on the go! 7-15-13

Today I am grateful for:

-this quote:

"You will either step forward into growth or you will step back into safety."
-sleeping a full night of sleep. Like...a normal person? I hate to say normal person because what does that even mean? But I mean that I slept from like 11:30pm until 8am? Like...what? Who does that? It was awesome. The recharge I needed.
-Chan camps.
-Getting to leave a bit early and beat most of the traffic
-Group. Group was pretty great. Hard. Good hard though. That's such a contradiction but that's okay. It was just two of us again. The two quiet ones this time. In a way it was good that it was just us. At first a bit intimidating, but by the end I think we got a lot out of it. I know I did. Some of the time we just sat in the space. Taking up space. So hard for both of us. I found myself being profoundly sad and also mad at some points. Not at group but about the things that happened to the other group member. She did not deserve any of it. Nobody does. I wanted to get up and walk around I was so upset. I also admire her courage and strength for fighting so hard and being able to actually share and really feel what she was going through. I know that I can talk about what happened to me in group, but its hard for me to really sit in it and feel it. I editorialize it. It's too painful. So I really admire her for that going there. For really leaning in. Some other things that really stood out to me in group: We both have trouble sleeping, we both really struggle to take space, and we both will do whatever it takes to help others. Also something one of the counselor said really stood out to me. Its okay to be a burden some times. I've never thought about that before. Sometimes...its okay. Huh. I really had/have to ponder that. Anyway, it was a good group.
-feeling more like myself.
-getting work done
-melatonin
-the basics
-as always, my friends 

Gratitude on the go! 7-14-13

Today I am grateful for:
-this quote:
"You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach will never let you down."
-getting a good amount of sleep.
-seeing a movie with Ruth and Amanda. The Heat. Again. It was nice to see it with ladies. I think we can appreciate it more. Also I was able to identify so many more cameos of really awesome improvisers.
-a quiet day. This next week is pretty jammed packed so I'm trying really hard to just take a deep breath and live in the moment. Just live in the moment.
-punch pizza
-EGBOK
-leaning in
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-13-13

Today I am grateful for:
-being able to sleep
-having a leisurely morning
-free food. The workshop provided us with dinner and lots of treats tonight.
-opening night. I really like the show. It's a whirlwind with really no breaks but I'm so okay with that. I know I say it all the time, but I still really can't believe that this is my job.
-a stellar audience
-Ruth, Amanda, and Ruth's friend Rachel coming to see the show. Ruth and Amanda in particular because they've come to every one of my shows at the workshop. I really appreciate their commitment.
-seeing Kim Schultz. I didn't know she was going to be at the show tonight. It was really great to see her. She reminded me that I owe her a blog post. I totally do. I just need to be bold and do it!
-Caleb. He really knows what he's doing. From first preview to opening night there have been a lot of changes and every single one of them have worked. I trust him and that takes a lot to say.
-laughter
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-12-13

Today I am grateful for:
-sleeping through the night
-dreams
-having the time to get some shit done around the house. I hung up some pictures, did all the dishes, vacuumed, etc. #feelingaccomplished
-watching Ila and Lena. I love those girls. They bring me a lot of joy. We went to the beach today and the girls played in the water and went to the park. Then we came home and Ila went to a friends house and Lena promptly took a nap. Ila is 7 now, but honestly she's more like 30. She's very wise and smart and caring. Lena is 2 now and is a complete goof and super creative and out there and funny. I've loved watching them both grow up and I'm grateful every time I get to hang out with them.
-laughter
-a really rockin audience. They were in.to. it.
-Seeing Pacific Rim after the show tonight. I'm not gonna lie, I really liked it. It was Robots fighting Aliens. What's not to like? Boom.
-the basics
-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 7-11-13

Today I am grateful for:
-sleeping soundly.
-my therapist. I'm glad I saw her again this week. I've been feeling much more like myself. Recharging is the best way to describe how I'm feeling. We kind of determined that I usually get like this every 3 or 6 months. Hopefully I've learned my lesson and will reach out before it gets so bad. She challenged me to call her the next time (if) I get into this place. Ugh. Rough City USA. However she's right. She'll probably be able to help me out of it if I just call and let her know what's going on. I love/hate how smart she is. She knows her shit. And I'm so grateful for that.
-taking a 2 hour nap. I wasn't like full asleep, like every time I was about to REM I kind of jerked myself awake. However, it was still really great.
-The afternoon to myself
-catching up on emails
-skyping with BFFL! She's going to London soon and I'm so excited for her! I was able to go down memory lane and talk to her about all the fun things to do there. Oh how I miss London.
-laughter
-the opportunity that I got to go to London. Once again, I have to thank Neva. She made it a reality.
-Nana. It would have been her birthday today. I miss her and I'm really grateful for all the times we had together. I loved it when she would sing to me. And how one time she made me porridge because I was obsessed with the 3 little bears. I hated it, but the gesture was so sweet. She was fine with me not liking it either. I miss listening to her play the piano.
-my new cousin being born. Anastasia (Sia) Candida Constantina Penesis. It's a mouth full, but I wouldn't expect any less from my family. I'm grateful that they are all happy and doing well.
-The basics
-being in bed, and being somewhat tired, before midnight
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-10-13

Today I am grateful for:
-sleeping through the night
-hanging out with Jen and Megan and the little ones. I met up with Megan at the library for reading time with little ones and then we went to brunch and met up with Jen. Outstanding.
-Jen letting Oscar sleep on my chest. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty amazing.
-Matt over at NUTS. Regardless of the results, he always makes me feel great and puts a smile on my face.
-meeting up with Amanda to see Monsters University. It was outstanding. Again.
-being able to take a little nap. Slowly but surely I'm catching up on my sleep.
-a solid preview
-laughter
-ice cream
-late night drives with Padre
-the basics
-showers
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-9-13

Today I am grateful for:
-My therapist. After a long two weeks of suffering in silence I was finally able to talk to her a bit about how I was feeling. She rocked it out and just sat with me and held space. I wasn't able to talk about everything that I was feeling, but enough that I already feel a lot better. I'm seeing her again on Thursday and hopefully I'll be able to say more.
-having the afternoon to just lie around and rest
-the apartment all to myself. My roommate is out of town for the week! Woo hoo!
-an easy, pretty laid back rehearsal
-Ruth and Amanda coming over and watching SYTYCD
-Laughter. I know with out fail that I'll be laughing with those ladies
-Ruth bringing me a Taro Shake from the Tea Garden. So unnecessary and so nice. It definitely brought a smile to my face
-this amazingness:

-The basics
-being tired. Thank goodness.
-As always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-8-13

Today I am grateful for:
-rediscovering Wee Sing videos. I still love them and I don't care. They bring me comfort
-having lunch with Jen Scott. Actually, kind of having the day with Jen. We first had lunch at midtown global market, then I had a stupid couple hours waiting for nothing at the dmv, then I watched Oscar for about an hour and then just chilled with Jen on her couch for awhile. It was nice. I think I was craving a little bit of time with other people. I felt bad because I really was there for no reason. I didn't want to be taking up more of her time than necessary, but at the same time I was really happy to just be around people.
-Jen packing me a dinner bag to go. Super sweet.
-Group. It was really nice tonight actually. Maybe because the focus wasn't on me and I was really able to just sit and listen to what the other ladies were going through.
-Being present. The other day a friend of mine was talking to me about some issues she was experiencing. At one point she said, "For the most part, things are good so I really shouldn't complain." I sat with that for a minute and said, "But you can." And she looked at me and laughed and said, "Thanks, Marit." I got super uncomfortable. That is not the first time someone has said something like that to me. I honestly don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, Marit's a genius so in a way what they said was a compliment? I think? On the other hand, I wasn't trying to be her therapist. I was talking to her as a friend. Or so I thought. I don't know. I feel conflicted. I also don't really think I can talk to my therapist about this.
-this video:

-Sara Bareilles album streaming online this week.
-the basics
-laughter
-the ac in my room
-my ipad
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-7-13

Today I am grateful for:
-Unexpectedly being able to sleep in
-Daring Greatly. I wore a dress today. I never wear dresses. It was too damn hot to wear anything else though.
-the store I Like You
-hanging out with Kevin. We got fro-yo, sat by the lake, I surprised him with a MN necklace, and almost went paddle boating...but then he almost died of heat stroke and I almost died of anxiety, so we didn't actually go paddle boating. Everything turned out okay.*
-hanging out with Anna H. We got Chipotle, ice cream, and laughed so hard we both were screaming, "Ow Ow Ow!" It was pretty wonderful. Painful too, but a good pain. A pain in my side that I want to have. Literally side splitting laughter. I love laughing like that
-My ac in my car working again. Actually, me fixing it is what instigated the laughing fit.
-Hanging out with Lydia. I went over to her place and we just chatted for awhile. It was nice. I miss hanging out with her.
-The basics
-music
-cold showers
-the ac unit in my room
-obviously laughter
-as always, my friends

*He legit passed out in my car. I was driving and all of a sudden he was slumped over practically on top of me. I was calling his name and trying to shake him out of it for about 15 seconds, which felt more like 15 minutes. When he finally came to I asked if I should take him to the hospital but he said no. I just took him home and dumped some ice on him and made him drink a ton of water. I definitely went into get-shit-done-mode through all of that. Once he started joking again and said he was fine I went home and cried. I looked up the symptoms of heat stroke. He definitely had it. I should have taken him to the hospital. I'm very grateful that he's okay.

Gratitude on the go! 7-6-13

Today I am grateful for:
-waking up to my own recognizance.
-having the time to finally go grocery shopping
-the warm weather
-a productive rehearsal
-Andy letting me park in his parking space. I don't know if I've expressed how grateful I am for that yet. I'm so incredibly grateful
-another solid preview
-getting some surprise checks in the mail. Very grateful for that.
-laughter
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-5-13

Today I am grateful for:

-this quote:

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." (Amen to that!)
-being able to sleep in
-a productive rehearsal
-first preview! We did it, we had some bumps along the way, but we did it. Now to do it again tomorrow!
-my job
-talking to Litza on the phone.
-feeling like myself again. Thank goodness. Thank. Goodness.
-the basics
-the ac unit in my room
-laughter
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-4-13

Today I am grateful for:
-being able to sleep in
-this amazing cloud in the sky. I watched it change into a bunch of shapes. I found some peace in that cloud.
-being able to say what I wanted. It was basically forced out of me but I was able to say it.
-Taking a 3 hour nap. It was the kind of sleep where I was instantly REMing. My dream was intense and so real. It took place in my room and my apartment. I knew at one point I was dreaming and I wanted to wake up but I couldn't move. I literally had to will my body to snap out of it. I jerked awake hard and I was stunned. It was unreal it was so real.
-remembering depression lies. It's a fucking lying son of a bitch and I hate it with all my being.
-seeing a movie with padre. The Heat. I really liked it. I thought it was super funny.
-laughter
-Dairy Queen. Nothing like a classic dipped cone while watching fireworks
-fireworks. And you know the founding of america blah blah blah. But mostly fireworks. They're so beautiful. I love the sound too.
-Padre being patient with me today. I was being an asshole. A real stubborn, quiet asshole.
-The basics
-being present. I'm aware that the last few days have been rough. I cannot quite figure out what triggered this bout I'm going through, but I'm in the thick of it now. Actually I think I'm at the tail end of it, thank goodness. Mostly I've been feeling overwhelmed. I also feel like I got scrambled eggs for brains. All my thoughts are just being whisked around and only bits and pieces are making sense.
-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 7-3-13

Today I am grateful for:
-having the courage to send an email to Amy.
-Amy responding even though she didn't need to.
-seeing a movie with Andy. This Is The End. It was really funny
-laughter
-litza calling me.
-the basics
-making it through the day.
-remembering things will get better
-the beautiful view of the city
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 7-2-13

Today I am grateful for:

-this quote:

"With forgiveness, your victim identity dissolves, your true power emerges. Instead of blaming the darkness you bring in the light."
-getting my new car. It's awesome. I just need to figure out it's name now.
-spending some time with my roommate. We both realized we haven't really talked to one another in months. I've been gone all the time, he's always home. So when I got home I just wanted to be alone. I'm glad we chatted. It was nice. He's a good guy.
-laughter
-sytycd
-the nice guys at Mesa pizza.
-The basics
-the day being over.
-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 7-1-13

Today I am grateful for:
-This quote:
"The days you are most uncomfortable are the days you learn the most about yourself."
-laughter
-Andy letting me take advantage of that sweet free parking space behind the building.
-late night drive with padre
-being present. I'm present to the fact that today was kind of rough. I'm pretty sure it's just PMS because everything seems amplified. Also I'm stressed and in tech. A lot of combinations of things going on right now that are affecting my mood. I'm struggling being alone right now. I'm just reminding myself that these feelings will pass. I know they will. I'm just in the thralls of it. Thinking about the things I'm grateful for today is posing to be difficult because of where I'm at right now. I'm trying so hard to live in the moment. Living moment to moment is wonderful because if one moment sucks, its over. Next moment! And that next moment could be incredible. So I'm trying really hard to just think about the here and now. The here and now is wonderful. Where my mind is wondering though is the future. I'm scared I'm going to be alone. Forever. I'm scared I'm never going to be open enough to let someone get close to me or that I am able to open up and no one wants me anyway. Either way doesn't sound so good. UGH. Anyway, that's where my brain is now. Trying to remember to breath and just be in the moment. Just be in the moment.
-the basics
-my bed
-as always, my friends