Today I am grateful for:
-meeting up with Anna for brunch and a quick Target run.
-having a second to sit and listen to some music at the tea garden.
-the youth team performing. They all did pretty great.
-having the time to watch a scary movie and do laundry. I'm a day behind, so I think I'm gonna watch another one tonight still. We'll see. Maybe a classic like Scream or something only semi scary. I watched The Orphanage today and quite good. I would say B+. I think all of the movies I've watch so far have been good. I'm keeping a list in my notebook.
-being present. I'm present to the fact that I'm Still struggling. Less today, but it's still there. I feel it most in my chest. It's a tight feeling. Like someone is pulling at both sides of a rope and I'm in the middle. Or its like a slow motion massive impact after you strike a really large gong. I know that's so weird and specific, but that's what it feels like to me. The tide is out right now, which is good, but I'm definitely on edge and waiting for it to come back in. Trying to remember to just be in the moment. The shoe will drop when it drops. Man, I'm putting all the metaphors in this passage.
-Brene Brown. I signed up for her 6 week e-course. With the way I've been feeling these days I think it'll be good for me. I heard another amazing quote of hers that, once again, hits it right on the nose: "When you cannot ask for help without self judgement, you are never really offering help without judgement...When you extract worthiness from helping people, that's judgement. When you don't extract worthiness and you think, "I'm just helping you because one day I'm going to need help" that's connection. That's vulnerability." Oof. That one was a hard one to hear. I know that's been me. I know at times it's still me. However, I'm owning up to it right now. I am actively working on changing that. I truly do love to help people and always have. I will always listen and hold space with those who need it, but now I am also sharing my struggles and ask for support when I need it. It's not easy, and yes sometimes I still can't do it, but I've seen how transformative it can be when others do it and when I've done it, so therefore I will continue to pursue it. So, with that being said, I'm gonna practice what I preach and I am gonna reach out right here right now. Since admitting that asking for help is extremely hard for me, what I could use is a little reassurance that I'm not alone. So if you happen to be reading this and you agree that, yes, it is hard to reach out, a simple, "me too" would be incredible. If you want to elaborate more you're welcome to as well. I also wanna throw this out there that I've never done anything like this before on this blog. This is a TRE (tiny radical experiment) for sure. I should also say the reason I feel like I can even toy with the notion of reaching out on here is because I know everyone personally who has the link to this blog and therefore I trust you.
-the basics
-laughter
-late night happy hour with Emily
-as always, my friends.
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