-walking with Emily for her sister and all people who are hoping, fighting, and surviving.
-padre giving me a ride early this morning.
-The Bloggess once again putting words to thoughts that are sometimes too hard for me to figure out how to express on my own. Thank you for this quote:
"Today is Mother’s Day, and while I think that being a mom is a crazy-hard job it’s also one that most of us wouldn’t trade for the world, so it’s always been a bit odd to me that we get to be mothers and we also get a day to celebrate it. Not that I’m judging you. Celebrate the hell out of yourself. You deserve it.
But you know who else deserves it? The women who have struggled to be, or are still struggling to be moms. The women who want children but just aren’t in a safe place in life to have them. The women who don’t want kids and have to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how you’re only worthwhile if you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina. The women who miss the children they once had. The women who miss the children they lost before they ever met them. The women who gave up their children so their child could have a better life than they could provide. The women who were raised motherless, or with shitty mothers, or who have lost their mothers and are reminded of how alone they feel. Mother’s Day is a confusing, weird, very-seldom-wrapped-up-with-a-nice-commercial-bow sort of day, and as for me, I salute you all – mothers or not…you’re here. You’re alive. You continue to survive. You are worthwhile and wonderful. Never forget that."
-Being present. I'm present today about how mother's day is extremely difficult. I'm gonna dare a little bit here and share some thoughts about my mom. This might be a hot mess because my brain feels like scrambled eggs.
Let me start out by saying I love my mom. I love her so much it actually, physically, hurts. She is a kind, beautiful, unique, and incredibly sensitive individual who loves with her whole heart. She has an amazing singing voice that has on more than one occasion moved me to tears. She has a peculiar yet delightful sense of humor and an even more hilarious cackling laugh. One of my favorite things is when my mom starts laughing really hard she always ends up running to the bathroom yelling, "I'M GONNA PEE! I'M GONNA PEE! I'M GONNA PEE!" Which of course makes everyone else laugh even harder. Also there's also no doubt about it, when it comes to cooking, my mom is literally a diva. My goodness she is an extraordinary gifted chef. When I was growing up the highest complement in the world to me was, "You are your mother's child."
However, my relationship with my mom is complicated. It has been that way for an extremely long time. It boils down to a few different factors but the best way to describe it is we just don't speak the same language. I honestly don't know if we ever will. I get so angry with myself about it. There is some anger towards her, but mostly it's towards myself. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to mend our broken connection. I'm told by my therapist that I am trying very hard, but it doesn't feel that way at all. I'm crippled with shame about it. My mom just doesn't seem to understand and I haven't found the words to properly express it to her. And like I said, I don't know if there will ever be the right words. The only words that run around in my head like a broken record are, "What can I do? What can I do? I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! What can I do? What can I do? I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know What can I do? What can I do? I DON'T KNOW! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!"
One of the hardest parts is that my mom is a genuinely good person. Raising me mostly by herself I know was not easy. My mom has had/has a lot of hardship. She also has the best intentions and wants to do what's best for me and for others. I am so grateful for all that she has done and will continue to do for me. And that's what makes it difficult. My mom is not a straight up asshole or horrible person. But I don't know how to help her. I just don't know!
In a way it's kind of like we're living parallel lives. We both want the same thing but don't know how to get through to one another.
Today was hard. I can only hope that it'll get easier. I love you mama. I am so sorry I don't know how to make things better.
-my car
-finding the post it note in my wallet from my therapist. I really fucking needed it tonight.
-laughter
-swearing
-my bed
-the basics
-as always, my friends.
-Being present. I'm present today about how mother's day is extremely difficult. I'm gonna dare a little bit here and share some thoughts about my mom. This might be a hot mess because my brain feels like scrambled eggs.
Let me start out by saying I love my mom. I love her so much it actually, physically, hurts. She is a kind, beautiful, unique, and incredibly sensitive individual who loves with her whole heart. She has an amazing singing voice that has on more than one occasion moved me to tears. She has a peculiar yet delightful sense of humor and an even more hilarious cackling laugh. One of my favorite things is when my mom starts laughing really hard she always ends up running to the bathroom yelling, "I'M GONNA PEE! I'M GONNA PEE! I'M GONNA PEE!" Which of course makes everyone else laugh even harder. Also there's also no doubt about it, when it comes to cooking, my mom is literally a diva. My goodness she is an extraordinary gifted chef. When I was growing up the highest complement in the world to me was, "You are your mother's child."
However, my relationship with my mom is complicated. It has been that way for an extremely long time. It boils down to a few different factors but the best way to describe it is we just don't speak the same language. I honestly don't know if we ever will. I get so angry with myself about it. There is some anger towards her, but mostly it's towards myself. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to mend our broken connection. I'm told by my therapist that I am trying very hard, but it doesn't feel that way at all. I'm crippled with shame about it. My mom just doesn't seem to understand and I haven't found the words to properly express it to her. And like I said, I don't know if there will ever be the right words. The only words that run around in my head like a broken record are, "What can I do? What can I do? I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! What can I do? What can I do? I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know What can I do? What can I do? I DON'T KNOW! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!"
One of the hardest parts is that my mom is a genuinely good person. Raising me mostly by herself I know was not easy. My mom has had/has a lot of hardship. She also has the best intentions and wants to do what's best for me and for others. I am so grateful for all that she has done and will continue to do for me. And that's what makes it difficult. My mom is not a straight up asshole or horrible person. But I don't know how to help her. I just don't know!
In a way it's kind of like we're living parallel lives. We both want the same thing but don't know how to get through to one another.
Today was hard. I can only hope that it'll get easier. I love you mama. I am so sorry I don't know how to make things better.
-my car
-finding the post it note in my wallet from my therapist. I really fucking needed it tonight.
-laughter
-swearing
-my bed
-the basics
-as always, my friends.
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