Today I am grateful for:
-This quote:
"Listening is a magnetic thing. The friends that really listen to us are the ones we move toward."
-my therapist. We talked more about how to ask for what I want and why it's so hard for me to do it. We also touched on my (most likely irrational) fear of getting pregnant. Not of having a baby, which I used to believe was interchangeable, but the act of actually having a baby. Food for thought for sure. In other news, my therapist recently moved locations. I like her new space. It's much bigger. A lot more space for kids to play, which is awesome.
-Being present.*
-a productive rehearsal.
-dinner and fro-yo with Kevin.
-crafting
-being quiet
-some nice texts from friends
-remembering to breathe
-the basics
-as always, my friends.
*I'm present today that I've been feeling angry. I don't know how to deal with anger (yet), but I do recognize that I am angry. I'm angry about the struggle that I have with expressing myself and saying how I feel. I'm angry that I don't think I'm worthy of that expression. Partly I think (or at least my therapist kind of helped me clarify) if I express myself about how I'm actually feeling that my friends will stop being my friends. I mean it makes sense. It's been a pattern in my life so far. The times that I've spoken up and expressed myself it's either fallen on deaf ears or I get chewed out and tossed aside. So as a result I'll do whatever it takes to make the other person happy and definitely at times to the detriment of my own feelings. A friend of mine told me that I was, "kind to a fault." Woof. That was hard to hear. Most of the time that I want to speak up it's just about stupid stuff. Plans get cancelled, people show up late, questions don't get answered, etc. It just doesn't seem like a good idea to say, "I'm actually pissed that you cancelled our plans 15 minutes before they were suppose to happen." Or, "I'm pretty frustrated that you showed up an hour later than we planned even though you knew I was waiting." I mean what's the point in that bullshit? Those are stupid little problems that I shouldn't care about. I feel like by saying anything I'm causing drama, being selfish, and probably make other people feel guilty or, heaven forbid, ashamed of their actions. I don't want that. However, I know there are bigger issues at play underneath the little ones that I do care about and I'm working on accepting that those feelings are valid. I'm allowed to be angry. And maybe one day I'll be able to express my anger in a healthy manor.
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