Today I am grateful for:
-Jaime getting home safely.
-the sun. I sat outside for a good 45 minutes to an hour this morning just soaking it up.
-sun block
-creating
-Amaris/Amy.*
-hot showers
-Ibuprofen
-nap time!
-seeing Emily! We saw an amazing improv show. It was very inspiring to see new people do their thing and do it well.
-laughter
-the basics
-as always, my friends.
*Alright I'm gonna dare greatly and share a story of vulnerability and thanks. So today (and for awhile now) I've really been struggling emotionally. A lot of factors are probably the cause of this. Group therapy, feelings of isolation, shame, etc. I've been trying extremely hard to work through these feelings by myself. However, what I've realized I've actually been doing is trying to ignore these feelings and pretend like I'm doing just fine. Fine however turns out to be more like F.I.N.E (Fucked up. Irrational. Neurotic. Emotional.) Especially (and unfortunately) on this trip I've been feeling
really F.I.N.E, which has sucked
so. much. because all I want to do is enjoy my time here and relax. It's been difficult to say the least.
Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling particularly F.I.N.E and just tried to work through it. I journaled, I drank my tea, I tried to meditate, etc. Nothing was really helping. Amy suggested we go for a walk. I thought that would take my mind off of things so I said okay. Pretty immediately she asked what was going on. I continued to say I was fine, but she knows me too well and continued to poke and prod. (Not to mention I was looking like a hot mess express from trying so hard to be
FINE!) I tried to keep it together for as long as I could, but I finally lost the battle with my emotions and completely broke down. I mean, for real. I had a melt. down. I couldn't walk anymore, I could barely breathe, I couldn't talk, I felt nauseous, my whole body ached, and I just had to sit down on the curb and cry. It was pretty much one of the worst experiences I've had. I felt
excruciatingly vulnerable. But as much as it sucked, as much as I wanted to crawl out of my skin and never look back, I think it absolutely needed to happen. That break down turned out to kind of be a break through. I finally found the words to how I've been feeling and got them out. I shared my story. And wouldn't you know it, almost immediately I felt a sense of calm and relief. It was kind of an incredible semi out of body experience. I don't really know how else to describe it. The whole ordeal just felt really surreal.
What's my point. The point I'm trying to make is that this breakdown/breakthrough allowed me to actually understand hands on that connection is crucial for being able to work things out and let things go. For me at least. And this whole thing would have never happened if it wasn't for Amy. Who knows how long I would have been standing on the edge of that emotional pool suffering. I honestly don't think I would have taken the plunge myself. So thank goodness she pushed me in, and then stayed, helped me out, and dried me off. I'm forever grateful for her courage to lean into the discomfort and poke and prod, her kindness of just sitting with me and listening, and her continual compassion and empathy of reminding me that I'm not alone. And for that I am forever and always grateful and thankful for her and our friendship.
