Gratitude on the go! 10-31-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Halloween! It has always been one of my favorite holidays. This year I got to just sit at home and hand out candy to kids. It was great.
-A kid saying that my pumpkin was the coolest pumpkin they've seen. I was very flattered by that.

My pumpkin in all its glory!

-Laughter
-Gettin shit done
-Being present
-This quote:
"Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the best in people."
-Rehearsal. I was late because I was doing something for the Science Museum, but I was really grateful to be at rehearsal. I felt like I was back in my element.
-Watching scary movies with friends!
-Catching up with Amanda.
-smiling
-the basics
-having a good conversation with my downstairs neighbor. He's a solid dude.
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-30-12

Today I am grateful for:
-My therapist. Once again, she nailed it on the head. She's a genius.
-A great breakfast at Blackbird with Lauren.
-Learning about a compliment that was said to someone else and then relayed back to me.
-Lauren helping to run lines
-Great conversation about politics
-Hanging out with Brittany. We're on the same page about a lot of things. It was really nice to chat about work, boys, new opportunities, etc
-Laughter
-Smiling
-The basics
-Taking new risks.
-Car rides.
-Seeing the show Ghost Force. Mike Fotis wrote it and it was really really great. It was a combination of comedy and horror and mixed media and different locations. It was all of my favorite elements that I like about theater and media. It was wonderful. Every one in it did a great job too! Hannah especially. I really believed her fear.
-Going to the movies.
-As always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-29-12

Today I am grateful for:

-Staying in bed until 11am

-A productive rehearsal 

-the safety of my friends on the east coast. I've heard back from almost all of them and they are safe. Hurricane Sandy is effecting 23 states right now. I wish for the continual safety of everyone out there. 

-An evening at home. I was able to make dinner for myself, catch up on emails, organize some financial stuff, watch tv, hang out with Ruth, and carve pumpkins! It was a productive and still relaxing evening.

-My friendship with Ruth. She is my second oldest friend. She brought me my birthday gift tonight. It was a home gift from the heart. My favorite kind of gift. I had to step out of the room because it brought tears to my eyes. 

-Happy hour with Emily. It was a really good time. We actually talked a lot about politics and what we believed in. It was a very thoughtful conversation. 

-the basics

-laughter

-as always, my friends

-these pics:

My belated bday present from Ruth.
It's a jar full of quotes and sayings.
When ever I'm down, all I have to do is reach inside and read one.
Instant happiness!
I'm calling it my, "Rainy Day Jar"

The pumpkin I carved!
It's a hipster.
Or an old man.
Or both.
Yeah. Both. 

Our pumpkins in the dark!
#forthewin 

Gratitude on the go! 10-28-12

Today I am grateful for:
-the big things
-the little things
-the in between things
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-27-12

Today I am grateful for:
-a decent night of sleep
-two little girls coming up to me after my fire demo and thanking me for the show. They were really sweet and adorable.
-this text from my roommate:

My roommate is pretty baller. 

-Seeing Marquetta today for a minute. I realized when I saw her how incredibly grateful I am for her actually. As a child of an artistic director, I got the opportunity as a kid to sit in on a lot of rehearsals. Rehearsals that included some truly talented actors. The rehearsal room was basically my babysitter. Because of that, I was able to watch some of the best of the best actors in town hone in on their craft for hours on end. It is a unique opportunity that not a lot of people have had and because of this particular (and somewhat peculiar) situation, it has allowed me over to over the years try to emulate some of their talent through osmosis. Marquetta was definitely in the forefront of those actors. She really shaped my sense of humor. And I am grateful for all that she has taught me on and off stage. Even if she didn't know she was doing it.
-having two sold out shows with terrific audiences tonight. I can't believe that our penultimate weekend is over. We've been doing this show for little over four months now. Crazy, but awesome. It honestly doesn't feel like it's been that long.
-Laughter. I love that my job(s) involve so much laughter. That is something to be grateful for in itself.
-being present
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-26-12

Today I am grateful for:
-a fun vo this morning.
-this quote:
"You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You can find yourself by coming into the present."
-being present
-staying present
-having a bit of down time to spare before rehearsal. I was able to watch some tv and eat lunch. It was very nice.
-laughter
-the basics
-TGIF. Today I am Thankful for the lovebomb text I got from Amy. It brought a smile to my face. I am Grateful to be performing at the workshop. I was in the middle of rehearsing a scene and I had a moment of, "I can't believe that I'm here doing this with all these people that I admire." I am Inspired by people's bravery. I see so many headlines, comments, and statuses right now about people's feelings and thoughts regarding the election and the issues that are surrounding it. Sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming, sometimes it can be a bit sad, but a lot of the times what people are saying are quite brave. I've seen close friends trying to get the message out about why it's important to vote, I've seen Republicans explaining why they changed their opinions to support gay rights, and I've seen celebraties standing up to fight against the war on women. Their bravery inspires me.
-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-25-12

Today I am grateful for:
-this quote:
"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
-a fun crew of people to work with. We had to get up at 5am to take a mini road trip to Ham Lake for a corporate gig. Needless to say I was really grumpy in the morning. However, the gang really made the road trip fun and the gig itself was relatively painless.
-power naps. Or as Amanda would call it a, "disco nap."
-laughter
-perspective. Sometimes I forget that the problems I have are good problems to have.
-being present.
-as always, my friends.
-this hilariousness:

This is a real sign.
Hilarious.
And unfortunate.

Gratitude on the go! 10-24-12

Today I am grateful for:
-JR casting. I got to audition with Ruth. It was a lot of fun! They also gave me a great complement. They told me they were upset that I didn't booked the last gig I auditioned for. They thought I did a great job and that they love me. It was really nice to hear that.
-Taking about 5 minutes to just sit.
-Having Megan and Jen over for dinner. They're so much fun to talk to. I mostly just want to listen to them when I hang out with them so I can soak in all of their awesomeness.
-being a bit more open to people
-laughter
-the basics
-being present.
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-23-12

Today I am grateful for:
-therapy. Lots of good exercises. I like it when my therapist is more proactive. Not to say that she's not proactive all the time, because she is. She just usually waits and has me take the lead. It was a nice change.
-Laughter
-My agent really advocating for me and working to help me out with my schedule.
-Chicago Ave Project. Lots of pictures:

Me in my baby leopard attire. 

Arley, the 8 year old playwright of the CAP scene I was in, with his friend, Antonio.
 (Arley is the one holding my phone.)
He told me today that he wants to work with me always and that he loves the way I play the leopard.
My heart melts again. :) 

Stare off backstage!

Notice anything different?
There were no special effects used.
For real.

-More laughter!

-great hugs

-the basics

-Children's sense of wonderment and fun

-smiles

-good conversations with old and new acquaintances.

-as always, my friends.

-And one last picture:

#win. 

Gratitude on the go! 10-22-12

Today I'm grateful for:
-dreams. I'm a really vivid dreamer and last night I had a pretty intense nightmare. I was on a boat (surprise) and for some reason I was being interviewed. I couldn't say why. That wasn't the important part. It was the mcguffin. The interview took place on the deck of the ship. All of a sudden in the far distance a massive whale was jumping out of the ocean. Everything was in slow motion all of a sudden. I started to scream (or I should say dream scream) and I run to a back compartment room and knock on the door. I'm hyperventilating and tears are welling up in my eyes. The door opens and its my therapist. She has about four or five bags awkwardly draped on her shoulders and arms of various sizes and a water bottle attached to a long strap dragging on the ground. Seeing her dishevelment I pulled myself together and asked if we could talk. She said sure and said she needed a minute. All of a sudden Hannah and Madde came out from the room too. They asked what was wrong and I told them and started crying again. I mean, I was sobbing like a four year old. My therapist never returned and then Madde and Hannah left to go get interviewed. The boat was suddenly a sub with glass ceiling and we were underwater. I was alone in the glass ceiling room and then what appears right next to the glass? The whale. I start (dream) screaming again and curl up into a ball. The whale is pushing against the glass. I can't do anything. I'm crying and frozen and hyperventilating again. It keeps slamming against the glass. Harder and harder. I hear the glass start to crack. I let out one last cry and hold my breath...I wake up.
Why am I grateful for this dream? Well, three reasons:
1. It tells me I'm stressed. This was definitely an intense stress dream.
2. It tells me what I'm stressed about. The whale represents me feeling overwhelmed about work, scheduling, my mom, etc. My reaction to my out of sorts therapist tells me that either a) in times of crisis if other people are upset that I'll put their needs first, which is 100% true, and/or b) that I feel like my problems are not important and that I shouldn't burden others with them (which is sadly also 100% true)
3. It was a bit prophetic. When I finally woke up and checked my email this morning, I had a bunch of emails that were either adding or conflicting with my already over packed schedule. The dream was sort of warning me about what was about to happen. It allowed me to breathe, refocus, and practice my four steps.
-Free wi-fi.
-A spontaneous brainstorming sesh with Jaime via gchat. I was really having a brain fart. It was a perfect boost to keep me writing.
-CAP. Opening night tonight. It went really well! The audience was super fun and engaging and the play was received really well!
-Late night Chino happy hour with Emily.
-The basics
-breathing
-Laughter
-Laughter
-So much laughter
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-21-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Brunch at Birchwood Cafe with Anna, Steph, and Pop. It was great to see Pop! She's having a great time at grad school and is loving New York. Glad she was able to come back for a quick visit. :)
-teaching the youth team. My team in particular are great. Very brave, pushes the envelope, and are supportive of one another.
-the gorgeous weather!!! 70 degrees with little wind. I'm definitely not wearing a coat today. So blissfully happy. Taking a minute now to soak it in fully.
-CAP. Dress rehearsal was this evening was great fun! All the shows are so great.
-Dinner with Jen! I get to see her for the next 3 days straight! Who's lucky? This girl. We caught up on our lives, she listened while I rambled on about improv, and she gave great advice about teaching. And we ate some great Thai food. All and all a good evening. :)
-A nice hot shower.
-laughter
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-20-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Jen Scott. It's her birthday! Beyond grateful for all that she brings to the world.
-smiling
-the basics
-This quote:
"Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective"
-Mindless tv. Sometime it's just needed. Today was one of those days.
-people's courage.
-laughter
-love
-light
-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-19-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Good music
-the internet
-my new ipad
-being present
-TGIF- I am Trusting in my therapist when she offers me tough choices. I am Grateful for my friendship with Amy and all the wisdom that she's bestowed upon me. I am Inspired by children's creativity and aspire to get in touch with my own inner child and emulate that sort of creativity in my work and crafts.
-laughter
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-18-12

Today I am grateful for:
These quote:
"Meditation is really just quieting yourself enough so you can get in touch with your own inner wisdom."
"The more conscious you become, the more aware you become of how unconscious you've been."
-The basics
-Laughter
-This hilarious spec for a one line voice over.

I had to get all of this direction into one line of dialogue.
Couldn't help but laugh. 

-As always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-17-12

Today I am grateful for:
-these quotes:
"life is an adventure in forgiving"
"today is absolutely today. Today is not yesterday. Today is not tomorrow"
-Getting a 90 minute massage. I found myself having a hard time staying present, but overall it was really really nice.
-dinner with padre
-gchatting with Jaime
-watching American Horror Story with Amanda.
-the basics
-laughter
-leaning into discomfort. I think I'm becoming aware to the fact that sometimes I'm not actually as present as I claim to be. I think part of me thinks, "oh okay. I'm now learning about being present, therefore, I am present and everything is awesome and good and fixed!" Not the case. Yes, I am becoming critically aware, but part of that is the awareness that I'm not still not working on certain things. I'm still afraid. FEAR- Fuck Everything And Run! I don't want to do that, but I am still. That is me leaning into discomfort. Admitting that I'm still not present on the hard stuff. I am grateful to admit that to myself though.
-as always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-16-12

Today I am grateful for:
-the amazing weather! 70 degrees never felt so good.
-my therapist.
-getting a kiss on the cheek from baby Bee. It was completely out of the blue. She just wanted to share some love. It melted my heart and brought a huge smile to my face. That may be reason enough to have kids. Maybe.
-happy hour with Barry. It was great to catch up with him. He's up to wonderful things. So are all the former SFU guys. That makes me really happy.
-Going to see a concert at the Caboose. Arrested Development. First of all, it was like being transported back to the 90s. Like old school 90s. The way people were dressing, the atmosphere in the room, the music! Oh man it was incredible. Then when Arrested Development took the stage, I was completely lost in the music. My whole body felt like it was lifted up and I felt light and bubbly. I was smiling so hard and rocking out to the nth degree. The whole band was incredible, but I completely fell in love with the lead singer/rapper/story teller, Speech. I cannot express to you how long it's been since I've had a crush on someone like this. His talent, his voice, his lyrics, and music were so inspiring. It's a completely strange sensation but I love it. I definitely swooned the whole way home and then continued to swoon more to my roommate. I'm downloading all their music right now.

The band Arrested Development.
That's Speech. Can we just look at his outfit?
A puffy vest, overalls covered in yellow paint, and sunglasses.
Hello 90s.
Hello future husband. 

Gratitude on the go! 10-15-12

Today I am grateful for:
-meeting up with Brittany and getting tacos. So many laughs.
-meeting one my neighbors. Her name is Mary. She's lived in the house two doors away from me for 47 years. She's very very sweet. We raked leaves quietly and peacefully. It was lovely.
-this song:
-singing
-a few hours in the apartment alone. #bliss
-laughter
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-14-12

Today I am grateful for:
-A truly amazing night of sleep. I slept until I couldn't sleep any more. I got about 10 hours. It was peaceful non stress filled dreamful sleep. It was glorious. I don't know what I did differently to make that happen, but I hope it happens again.
-Teaching. The kids are so inspiring. I do want to get better on how to describe exercises to my classes. I know when something is good and when something can use work, but I don't exactly always know how to express myself to make it clear with others. That seems to be a theme I'm becoming present to with myself.
-laughing. Sometimes there's nothing better than pure uncontrolled laughter.
-a birthday dinner and movie with Anna. It was so much fun! We saw Looper. Amazing.
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-13-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Having a great night of sleep.
-eating leftover cake. Sooo good.
-Getting through all my shows and having good energy throughout.
-Talking about roller coasters.
-listening.
-my new iPad.
-This quote:
"What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love." -MLK 
-My new nickname: Tagagee Raguleay. It never fails to make me chuckle.
-performing with the Minneapples. It's always so much fun.
-remembering to be silly
-smiling
-Watching some tv before winding down for bed.
-laughing
-the basics
-as always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-12-12

Today I am grateful for:
-the new meaning of TGIF. Trusting, Grateful, and Inspired Friday. Today I am Trusting that things are going to get better with my mom. I am Grateful for all the love that I received on my birthday. I am Inspired by all the amazingly talented people that surround me.
-People trusting me with their struggles. I've always been a good listener, and I am always humbled that people turn to me in times of need. However, I want to improve on being more empathetic with my responses. I want them to know that I understand and can relate even if I've never been in the same situation.
-the basics
-This quote:
"Never give up on anybody" 
-As always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-11-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Being able to sleep in a bit
-All the amazing birthday wishes on fb.
-Sharing a birthday with Eleanor Roosevelt.
-These quotes:
"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot."
"Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the unknown place where it leads."
-These pictures:

Jaime's bday card to me via the internet.
I love her long time too. :) 

More birthday gifts:
A pair of earrings from Lauren
A bag of candy (with toothbrush and toothpaste) from Auntie Pat
A birthday cake from mom
A collection of books from Josh. 

A new iPad.
Thanks Padre.
(I couldn't have afforded it without you.)

-Being able to be quiet 

-enjoying the day

-smiling

-laughing

-the basics

-lots of treats

-a wonderful video and fb post from Amy. She is such a light in my life. 

-the cast honoring my birthday.

-my parents coming to see the show

-hanging out with Brittany. 

-being reflective. Usually when people ask, "Happy birthday! Do you feel any different?" Every year prior I have said, "No, I feel the same." On my 26th year of life, I do feel different. I wish I had the words to express what is different, but I honestly don't. I guess I just feel more open to so many new possibilities. Perhaps that's confidence? Maybe this next year of life will make that more clear. 

-As always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-10-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Breaking Ice
-A nice breakfast with co-workers
-A fun shoot for the next workshop show.

What do you get when you cross Fifty Shades Of Grey...and an elf?
This picture. 

-An hour of downtime.

-The early birthday wishes.

-A really nice dinner with my dad followed by dessert and a great late night car ride talk. 

-This dessert:

Chocolate Flandango.
My favorite dessert ever. 

-laughter

-love

-light

-peace

-kindness

-as always, my friends. 

Gratitude on the go! 10-9-12

Today I am grateful for:
-My friend Emily. It is her birthday today. She is legit one of the funniest people I know. She's also an extremely talented writer. She'll be moving to LA in the next few months and, although I'm going to miss her, I know she's going to do so many amazing things.
-Therapy. I'm so grateful for it. Even in the shittiest of times, it's wonderful. I happen to be going through a really rough patch right now. Nothing new, just old stuff that keeps servicing. It makes me scared that there is so much. It's a bit daunting. I don't deal with fear well. FEAR=Fuck Everything And Run. I'm trying to change that acronym.
-My therapist. Is it weird I want to tell my therapist how grateful I am for how much she's helped me? I don't know if thats proper protocol to do that or not. I honestly cannot imagine where I'd be right now if I did not seek out help a year and a half ago. Every time I think I'm completely lost in the dark, she manages to shine light on so much. Always a new technique to try, always patient with my struggles, and her level of professionalism is a bit mind blowing. She is a phenomenal social worker.
-A birthday card from Litza. After a long day it was just what I needed to find on my porch.
-This quote:
"If life isn't taking your breath away frequently, you're not paying attention." (I couldn't agree more)
-A quick gchat with Litza. She's such a wonderful friend. She is always empathetic to what I have to say (or don't say.) I'm extremely grateful to have a friend like her. She's up to a lot of amazing things right now, too. I cannot wait to hear all about the next chapter in her career/life unfold!
-The basics
-laughter
-as always, my friends
-Here are a couple of pics that make me smile:

My first honeycrisp apple of the season. Soo good! 

In a day that was pretty bleak and dreary,
and I mean that both literally and metaphorically,
there are always pockets of sunshine that brighten my day.

Gratitude on the go! 10-08-12

Today I am grateful for:

-A peaceful bus ride 

-enjoying the white space (not filling up the space between all the things I "have" to do.)

-a VO session. 

-a really productive and fun brainstorming session at the workshop. A lot of good ideas were generated. Other people's ideas were great inspiration and vice versa. 

-laughter 

-Catching up with my friend Fernando. We haven't seen each other in about 2 years. He caught me up with his life, which has definitely had some major ups and downs. I'm glad we are still able to share and connect after such a long break. That's Pitzer love right there. He's doing a lot of incredible things right now. I'm very proud of him. I'm also thankful that he bought me dinner and shared dessert. The bday goodness continues!

Warm brownie with ice cream on top? Yes please.
#birthdaygoodness

-Skyping with Hannah, aka, bffl. It was a really fun, chill conversation. We talked about when she'll be coming back to MPLS. She also comment on how she really enjoyed my glasses. I really appreciated that. We laughed. It was very much like old times. Not that it was never not like old times, but the last few times we've talked/hung out have seemed a bit forced.

-being honest with myself. Over the last two days I've had several conversations about self love and self growth. It's wonderful to hear that others are also working on telling themselves that they are enough and are allowing themselves the time they need for them. Hearing that others are working on these things encourages me to continue to work on them too. Sometimes I feel so alone in this area. 

-These quotes: 

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."

"Always serve too much hot fudge on hot fudge sundaes. It makes people overjoyed..."

"Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier."

-The basics

-As always, my friends. 

Gratitude on the go! 10-7-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Catching up with Kevin. He has a new job and he's very stressed about it. It sounds like he's being bullied by some of the other employees. He's younger than them and not as experienced. I tried to explain that they're obviously going through their own issues and unfortunately taking it out on him. I told him to stay strong and to just keep doing what he's doing. I also told him about the 4 steps. Maybe that will be helpful for his next week.
-laughter
-the act of laughing
-living moment to moment
-the little things
-the ordinary things
-the extraordinary things
-being present in my struggles. I know it's just a moment. I know it'll pass.
-Coaching the teens. They are awesome. I love watching them perform (for the most part.) They are so uninhibited its truly inspiring to watch. They're some of the best improvers in town.
-Catching up with Hannah. It was really great to talk to her and see how she's been doing. She takes on so much sometimes I worry about her. She always seems to have it together though. I admire her passion. She also gave me some birthday presents tonight. Since I'm now "in touch" and "present" with my "feelings," when I get cards or gifts, I realize I'm almost at the verge of tears. I feel such gratitude. Here are some pics:

Punch Pizza.
Basil, artichoke, and green olives.
#win

My three lovely gifts from Hannah
A book, a necklace, and earrings.
#win

-seeing a tiny mouse outside the restaurant. It's so rare to see a wild mouse outside. I was strangely delighted.
-Catching up with Lydia. We had a long conversation about how she was doing, feeling, what she wanted to change in her life, etc. She said some things that really hit home with me. I struggle some times when I'm not able to push my own thoughts out when listening to others. I want to be present for Lydia. I want to help her through her struggles and not make it about my own. I try to empathize with her, but the only way I know how to do that is to share that I know what she's going through personally. I'm trying to find the balance. I know I'm a great listener, which I know can be comforting in itself, but I also wish I was good at knowing what to say and giving advice.

-this quote: It is not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us joyful

-music

-as always, my friends. 

Gratitude on the go! 10-6-12

Today I am grateful for:
-My friend Jamaica. She passed away not too long ago. She would have been 26. I haven't spoken to her in years but she was still my friend. She had a wonderful spirit. I remember she lived on Harriet Island and she and her mom won their house in a raffle for $1. Well, they won the land for a dollar and then they had to build the house. It was a really cool house. I remember laughing a lot with her when we hung out. Rest in peace Jamaica.
-Having really great crowds at the Science Museum.
-Not taking things so seriously.
-breathing
-the basics
-being able to take 15 minutes to myself. For about 5 of those 15 minutes I was able to be quite content and happy. After that I was still content and comfortable, but it was harder to keep my mind present. I'm going to work on that.
-Talking with Hannah. I was struggling earlier because we hadn't communicated and she sent me a text earlier in the week that made me feel guilty and then shame. I was able to do 3 of the 4 steps (still really hard to stop thinking) but then we finally talked on the phone and I felt relieved. I was then able to stop thinking about it.
-Going to The Front and dancing a little bit. More like just moving to the beat than actual dancing, but I had a good time.
-Being in the moment. Enjoying the moment. Realizing it's just a moment and moving through and past the moment.
-As always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-5-12

Today I am grateful for:
-So much.
-My wonderful places of employment. I am so incredibly honored to be working at all my jobs.
-Music.
-Learning to let go.
-Learning
-Laughing
-Listening
-Feeling.
-Smiling. A real smile.
-Seeing. I mean Really seeing things. There is so much beauty everywhere. I'm glad I'm finally opening my eyes to see it all.
-Stillness
-A sense of calm.
-A sense of peace.
-Everybody that has made an impact on my life. Good or bad. They've made me who I am today.
-Late night drives.
-The basics.
-As always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-4-12

Today I am grateful for:
-Breaking Ice. We had our performance and it went really well. The talk back was great and the people seemed really engaged.
-Christine. She's solid. Just really great. I am very grateful she's in my life. She's sweet, genuine, and lovely. She's dealing with a lot right now and handling it with grace. I hope I can help her out as much as possible.
-laughter
-Where I'm From. For Breaking Ice we have to write poems about ourselves. I remember first writing this and thinking, "I don't know what to say. What could I possibly say that could capture who I really am without exposing too much?" I finally just starting writing and without saying much at all, I  actually ended up saying everything. It was a bit liberating. This is who I am. This is where I'm from. This is my poem:
I Am From.
I am from two worlds. One of sugar and spice, and one of Minnesota Nice.
I am from two separated but equal homes.
I am from rehearsals and kitchens, courtrooms and lawyers, atheists and christians, love and more love.
I am from shifting and changing, adapting and reacting.
I am from social anxiety...and not fitting the, "looks" of the norms of society.
I am from over booking and hoping and praying that no one is looking.
I am from parents who duel, but I still learned to live by the golden rule.
I am from not knowing who I really am, but learning day by day not to give a damn.
I am from doing what's right and being just and fair...But at the end of the day? I'm just trying really hard not to fucking swear.
-swearing. I don't think I talk enough about how I really am grateful for swearing. I find swearing to be fuckin therapeutic.
-taking a nap today. If I could take a nap every afternoon, I would be one happy camper.
-reading
-the basics
-a fun duet at improv. Bobby and I were on a date and I was really turned on by musical instruments. I played a character I don't usually play. It felt weird, but at the same time, totally natural. It was nice? It was refreshing. Yeah. It was refreshing.
-Late night Thai food with Lauren.
-As always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-3-12

Today I am grateful for:
-finding out that there is a reason everyone has been feeling off their game. The moon. Apparently, astrologers are calling this full moon The Monster Moon.
"September is due to close with a very volatile full moon in Aries this Saturday. The relative position of other planets in the sky will combine with this moon to create what will feel like an astrological lightning storm for all of us from now until around the 4th of October...Some astrologers are literally warning people to hide out until the storm is over. This isn’t necessarily bad advice as it is true that there will be real potential for high drama in the heat of the moment. However there won’t be anything you can’t deal with. Just remember to breathe...This is the perfect time to reflect and find the courage to finally realise what positive changes you need to make in your life and what you need to let go of now. What has been holding you back? Be brave and let the energy of this time give you the courage to be the new you." 
It was really nice to see a facebook thread this morning where every one was banning together to work through these difficult few days. One more day and things should be at rest.

-being able to say no. "Being uncomfortable is better than being resentful." That was my unofficial motto today as I had to say no to several potential gigs. Well, I actually had to say no to gigs that I had already said yes to first. Woof. That was rough. It still is rough. I'm practicing my 4 steps right now. 1. Recognize what's going on (I'm in shame. Shame that I'm not good enough and that I'm a disappointment. I'm such a people pleaser. I don't want to disappoint anyone. How can I say no?! I already said yes!) 2. Calm Down (Alright. Take some deep breaths. 1...2...3...4...) 3. Put things into perspective (If I say yes to these gigs, I'll start to resent them for it, even though it was my fault for taking them on. Not to mention it is way more added stress to my already over packed schedule.)  4. Stop thinking! (Alright seriously. Stop thinking about it. You've wrote it out, Taj. You're done.) I think time will make it better, too.

-the basics.

-Hanging out with Ruth. We got tea, chatted, played on a playground, laughed a lot, talked about boys, went and saw Next To Normal.

-The truly amazing fall weather. If this was the last day of nice weather, it was good to have you fall. I'll see you on the other side.

-Laughter. True. Genuine. Laughter

-Hanging out with Brittany. Watching The Voice. Catching up.

-Finding small pockets of joy.

-As always, my friends

Gratitude on the go! 10-2-12

Today I am grateful for:

-Tuesdays with Marit. We talked about what I'm now calling my, "weekend meltdown." What caused it, how can it be dealt with next time, etc. I was able to pin point my triggers and she explained to me that my filter for emotions is just really thin right now. She gave me some great strategies for the future if I can't get ahold of anyone to talk it out with. 1. Recognize what's going on, 2. Calm myself down, 3. Put things into perspective, 4. Stop Thinking! (I need to really work on #4)

She also gave me a new book. It's Easier Than You Think. It's an intro to Buddhism. Marit made it very clear that she likes using Buddhism psychology and philosophy because it's non-denominational. It's not about religion or God or trying to get me to believe in something that I don't. It's just about being mindful and present. Things that I've already been trying to practice! Also, interestingly enough, within the first few pages that I've read, it talks about Waking Up. Which is what I've been calling this past year! My Wake Up year. I found that to be a fun little coincidence if I do say so myself. :) 

On a related note though, I've actually been thinking a lot about my spirituality lately. About religion, the universe, "a higher power." etc. Religious is something I most definitely am not. Religion makes things so complicated. Wars are fought over it, politics are fought over it, etc. With religion, people think there should be a Right Answer. "God says this and therefore you are wrong" "No, God says This, and therefore You are wrong!" When it comes to a, "Higher Power," I was told when I was young that God is Love. I believe that. Love is all powerful. We all want to be loved. We all want to be connected. So basically what I've come to the conclusion of is that I believe in the higher power of love and connection. Those things are more powerful than I'll ever understand and I'm okay with that. Anyway, moving on! 

-Breaking Ice

-Being Challenged. In the Breaking Ice show there is a movement piece where I have to be lifted and carried. That for me is extremely challenging. I am so self aware of my weight. It's a trigger. I start thinking, "I'm too heavy. I'm going to hurt them. What are they thinking about me?" You know what though, I'm just trying to breathe, let go, dare greatly, and practice my 4 steps of shame resilience. You know what? It went really well!

These beautiful pictures of fall:

Tree outside my house. So beautiful.

Fall leaves. They won't last much longer.
Enjoying them while I can.

-Laughter

-breathing

-the basics

-Canoles. I had one after dinner tonight. It was awesome. 

-This text message from Andy:

We were soo bored at the Staff Training Meeting.
Thank goodness for stupid museum humor am I right!?
Seriously though, this convo was way funnier that it should have been.

-As always, my friends.

Gratitude on the go! 10-1-12

Today I am grateful for:
-It being October. It's my birthday month y'all!
-the wonderful weather!
-inventing Hug it out Monday. Every monday I'm gonna find someone and hug it out.
-Jen Scott. I feel like I've talked about her a lot lately, but I really think she's just the bee's knees. Such a wonderful, kind, and authentic person. I don't know many people that are authentic like her.
-getting my first Birthday present. Here's what it is:

I've heard nothing but amazing things about this game.
It's like Apples to Apples, only extremely dirty.
I cannot wait to play it!
Thank you Jen!

-Chicago Avenue Project. I always forget how truly amazing it is. The people, the atmosphere, the kids, the plays, the fun, the joy! It was only the first meeting and it was already so wonderful and inspiring. Just the plethora of insanely talented people dedicating their time for this wonderful cause. For the children. It almost brought tears of happiness to my eyes.
-learning the expression, "Jazz Acting." It's like improv, but its not. In jazz, you have a structure that you follow but you can improvise within that structure. Sometimes when you're learning a new script, you jazz act if you can't really remember your exact lines. Brilliant. Using that from now on.
-being a part of the All Star Variety Show Bonanza and all the talented people that put it together. It always pushes me to try things that scare me. I'm very grateful for that.
-These quote:
"Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever"
"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment."
-being present.
-admitting to myself that I sometimes get afraid and learning to deal with my fears. This passage by Brene Brown really captures exactly what I'm thinking but didn't have the words to say it:

"Fear is so sticky and cyclical. We're afraid to express hard emotions or we're afraid that we've made mistakes that are going to cause [others] unnecessary pain, so we can't quite get to loving-kindness. We can't be kind, gentle, and forgiving with ourselves, which is, ironically, what we need to do in order to help [others] be kind, gentle, and forgiving with themselves. Once we name [our] fears, we start stripping them of their darkness.  When we say them out loud or leave them in the comment section of a blog, or share them with the people we love, we shine light on them. In the recovery movement there's a little saying about fear meaning one of two things:
a. FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run! or b. FEAR = Face Everything And Recover.

Maybe by writing all of this down and naming it, we're practicing the ordinary courage we need to be kinder, gentler and more forgiving with ourselves. I don't think we need to beat fear down - just hold it and soothe it."

-practicing self love.
-Acknowledging that how I'm feeling right now, in this very moment, I'm having a hard time letting go. I'm having a hard time letting go of the fact that I can't really put clear thoughts to what I want to say. The idea is there but the words just cannot form. I want to talk about how this week has been difficult but remain positive in this post. This blog has done amazing things for me over the past few months because when ever I'm struggling with Waking Up I can read back on this blog and see how much I have to be grateful for. But I also think there is some value and looking back and seeing what I've been struggling with. I don't have the words for it yet. I don't know how to write it. Part of me is afraid that it's too simple. That my thoughts are not valid and my writing is weak. I know they are just thoughts that I'm writing out, but still! Why can't I just say what I want to say! However, I'm taking a deep breath, and I'm going to call it a night. I'll draft my thoughts for another day when things become more clear.
-as always, my friends