I haven't been writing. I've been writing a little bit. In my actual journal. I've been trying to jot down some highlights that have happened over the last few weeks.
-I had one of the best bank experiences recently. Everyone at Wells Fargo made my feel like a million bucks and I was the only person that mattered there even though they were really busy. I was greeted with a smile and then handed a free bottle of water and by the end of my time there I was walked out of the store. It was really wonderful.
-The outstanding weather! Today it was 75 degrees. I was sweating. And I was okay with it. :)
-Also today, I ran a 5k. Not an official one, but I ran around lake Harriet, which is almost exactly 3 miles around, and I did it in 30 minutes. I didn't stop once. I'm not gonna lie, I was really proud of myself. I couldn't believe I did it. I felt like stopping a few times but I pushed through it. It was a really big accomplishment for me. And in 30 minutes?! For me, who could never even run the mile in school without stopping once or twice, this is huge. I'm grateful I stuck it out even when it got hard. Hard is okay. Hard is good.
-Speaking of hard, this last few weeks have been all the feelings. I'm not feeling "stuck," which I guess is a plus. I have had some serious anxiety though. Anxiety and shame. It's been awhile since it's been this bad. In truth, I've been dealing with heart ache. As much as I've tried to deny it to myself, I really fell for this guy. I'll call him Music Man. MM said and did a lot of things that made me really believe he felt a certain way about me. For a long time. I would say for the better half of a year really. Maybe more at this point. 8 months? Anyway, it seems that MM just wanted his cake and eat it too. Which he did. There was a part of me that knew it wouldn't end well, but my feeling goggles were on tight and I didn't care. I also had no idea that it would turn bad so quickly. I don't know. I'm still trying to figuring it out. I've been feeling a lot of confusion. Thankfully, I've had some great support from my friends throughout this tumultuous time. Earlier today for example, Kdog asked me how things were going with MM. I decided to reach out and actually share how I was feeling. And he just sat there and listened to me thoughtfully and without judgement. He took up space with me. I'm so grateful for that. I'm also grateful for texts of encouragements and love. I'm grateful that I love my job and that when I'm working I can totally forget about how I'm feeling. It's really incredible actually. I'm grateful that it's not always painful. One minute at a time. One. Minute. At. A. Time.
I'm grateful for today's prompt of the day.*
*Something Changed.
Something Changed.
It happened so suddenly.
"This is better than I could have ever imagined."
Blink.
Silence.
Hard silence.
Something Changed.
It was so easy before.
"I want to spend all my time with you"
Blink.
Silence.
Radio silence.
Something Changed.
Yet so much is the same.
"Wanna go see a movie?"
Blink.
Silence.
Deafening silence.
Something Changed.
Everything changed.
Almost everything.
My feelings haven't changed.
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
Something please change.
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